Je T’aime - Cry for the Moon ☽ (English Version)

Vania Larasati was born in the summer on July 29, she is kind to those who know her can prove it. Her presence feels like an endless summer but it is refreshing, her smile is as warm as the sunlight that illuminates every room and makes us forget about sadness.

Her beautiful laughter makes us happy to see her and her hugs can warm us when the rainy season comes. She is rude but kind to those who are close to her, she is not as rude as we think, she is friendly and fun to be friends with and become a lover with, she can calm you down when you are desperate and bandage broken wounds like that is Vania Larasati. She is everything to me, she is like a figure sent by God to me as happiness for my loneliness. 

She has abundant generosity, as abundant as the sprinkling of sugar in her sweet tea that always sweetens this bitter world. Her life is full of challenges, however, she still has no grudges and she does not hate anyone. Whatever she does, Vania is always wholeheartedly unwavering, always there to accompany me when I feel lonely in this world, she is patient with my behavior which is sometimes excessive because she lives her life wholeheartedly.

And when she left this world in the rainy season of October 2015, I could not accompany her when she was dying weakly on the bed and this was the biggest mistake in my life. She was buried in the afternoon after the rain stopped in her birthplace peacefully. 

For me, time always stopped after I lost Vania. At the funeral, it was suddenly wet with tears. Only I was unmoved. Still staring at the empty grave in front of me. Only I was pensive, not moving. Seeing Vania's body that was starting to be buried and covered with soil. 

The funeral procession continued. 

Fifteen minutes passed. Vania's parents sprinkled flowers on the grave. They slowly poured water. The red soil had covered Vania's coffin. The wooden tombstone was planted. Several residents began to walk slowly leaving the cemetery.

I was still as still as a stone. A cleric recited talqin (to teach how to answer questions from angels) 

Half an hour passed after seeing the reciting of prayers the strangers left and only left us who were close to Vania, starting from family and friends. 

The hot weather caressed the hair after the rain stopped. Examining behind the earlobes. I was still frozen. Not moving a millimeter. My face was perfectly blank. Without a twitch. Without a fold. I remained frozen, thinking about why all this happened so quickly I had to lose Vania. I glanced at the faces of the people who were still silent here. Swallowing saliva, how clear all their sadness was, they were people who were close to Vania.

After I was alone there, I immediately left Vania's grave leaving her body but not our memories, everything is still clearly remembered in my memory. 

How can we get out of this labyrinth? And realized we were lost in a labyrinth. 

It is very difficult to die, I'm sure that's true but it's even harder as the one who is left behind. I know everything will be destroyed in time, this chair I'm sitting on will definitely be destroyed or I will leave and be destroyed before this chair. cells, internal organs and systems that have formed me, they work together, live together then they will also be destroyed, even this earth will definitely be destroyed. So is Vania, she has met her death because her time in the world is over, there is nothing left of her, only a memory that I will miss forever here in the city where we were once together with a beautiful memory.

You will stop suffering, until that time comes. You will feel pain but I am sure you will survive until you can no longer. 

Nothing makes sense, how someone so young has died. We have blamed ourselves thinking we could do something and make a difference. The world has become a shitty place where a girl dies with a disease. 

I was shaken by the overwhelming realization, that the never-ending race between failure and her dreams, at that moment had reached its end, damn, I sighed. 

Because people will die, everyone I know will die and do I have a place to remember them all? 

Until I found out that it had happened, at first I thought it was just death, just darkness, just a body to be eaten by insects. I thought that only the afterlife would last forever, not here where there is only darkness and suffering.

What if I leave the lights on so that the darkness has a friend, let the darkness free all your fatigue from the world that you continue to swallow, let the darkness take all my fatigue now. What if the darkness can take it all, I will give you my time for tonight and I need you here so I can see the light again because my world is too black and dark now. I don't shine, no one sees me anymore.

Oh Allah, take me back to the past again, I want to stay with him like I used to. Take me to my happy times like before, not like this, take me now because I don't want to live like I do now. I'm sick, I want to love him again and see him, oh God, bring me together with him again. He has begun to fade and be forgotten in my deepest memory because no one lives in this world forever.

I will always love you Vania Larasati from the bottom of my heart, may you be in the most beautiful place in nature. And I hope we will be reunited in His heaven later. Aamiin, O Allah...

on November 05, 2021